He was toppled over, in full view of witnesses, on hospital land

Whereupon the NHS issued a denial he had ever existed

Euthanasia ‘could not be accepted’ as part of Trust policy, in any event

On production of photographic evidence – of a group attack – its ‘Principle Of Vicarious Liability’ was substituted (not one individual’s act, so blame withheld – from all)

Responsibility could not be taken for misuse of public property (the carrot and broom) as there was no documentation of their discovery at the scene

There was a delay in clearing up the puddle, as the event occurred after lunch time on Friday afternoon

And there was then an eight hour wait, on the Monday

The GMC ‘could not see’ doctors were necessarily involved, in spite of his having stood in the enclosed grounds of their hospital accommodation

The Health Service Ombudsman did not uphold the complaint, as he ‘did not consider’ any of the outcomes could have been changed (‘He was going to melt, anyway’)

The police declined to view available CCTV footage

And the judicial review in court was beyond the reach of next of kin (75, 000 pieces of coal)