For one final time, there’s memory banks to plunder;

Don your hot pants, platform shoes and kipper ties;

Wave your union card and marvel at the wonder

Of the decade ‘taste forgot’ – but we so prize

We had ‘dial-a-disc’, you’d ring a certain number,

And hear the same chart hit being played the entire day:

Tinny though it was, not all was dumb and dumber –

We had Directory Enquiries for which you didn’t pay

We heard ‘Go suck a Fisherman’s Friend’ (or was it Zubes?),

and drank ‘Camp’ coffee,

We had knees described as plaguing just housemaids;

It wasn’t possible to see future catastrophe

So there were slimming pills some fool had branded ‘Ayds’…

Andy Warhol’s Campbell’s Soup can was a waste

Of buyers’ money, some thought, if not artistic affront;

* The Tate’s’ formaldehyde sheep was slammed, done in the

‘worst possible taste’

*(The reverse of Kenny Everett’s Cupid Stunt)

* These two hail from the 80s, 90s, yes, there is no doubt;

The problem was, once brought to mind, just too hard to

leave them out!

Looking back, our contraception could be ever so remiss,

Though our greatest fear was plainly STD’s;

Gonorrhoea (‘the clap’), chlamydia and syphilis –

At least we couldn’t catch Dutch Elm disease!

Team captains went to battle, and they fought

Over their buzzers, their specialist rounds, there were always two;

Henry Cooper, Emlyn Hughes, on ‘A Question Of Sport’,

And Lionel Blair and Una Stubbs, on ‘Give Us A Clue’

The fashion came to sport initial letters,

We had CJ, JR, Bee Gee and then KC,

But not all our names contracted for the better,

Poor unfortunate Vera Duckworth’s were VD…

‘Jim Jams’ were the only gyms that mattered,

‘Marathons’ were chocolate bars, it wasn’t good

To be seen pounding the streets, and jogging, knackered –

It marked you out a berk, a total crud

Our dustbins? Galvanised, shiny and bright,

Garden waste went on a bonfire, left to char;

Recycle? Retrace steps upon a bike;

Energy saver? ‘Stead of walking, take the car

Alex Higgins and Ray Reardon ruled the green baize,

No place as yet for Dennis Taylor nor John Parrot;

Birmingham City, not the Villa, were the mainstays

Of curly topped (now baldy headed) Jasper Carrot

‘The Onedin Line’ told of a maritime dynasty,

Sailing seas churned up by winds straight from the Balkans;

Far across the world, we’d never seen a family

As sickly sweet (but entertaining) as ‘TheWaltons’

(‘Night, John Boy’)

All the kids’ programmes still ran on mainstream telly

(As they still did to the days of ‘Balamory’),

So, unabashed, adults dipped in, to ‘Tom and Jerry’,

‘The Pink Panther’, ‘How!’, ‘Bagpuss’ and ‘Jackanory’

We drove around in cars like Ford Capris,

Minis, Ford Cortinas, Austins, Hillman Imps,

All sensible, steady cars, fit for our families,

No blacked out limousines, suited to pimps

We had teasmaids, fondue sets and our first freezers,

Do you recall K-Tel? They advertised new products;

We made lamps from old wine bottles, and, to please us,

Our families wouldn’t tell us they looked…not very good at all

The weather? Maps had isobaric lines,

No instant graphics, no, and not computerised;

We had kind of charts, with rain and sunshine signs

That they could move, and which fell off, before our eyes

Barbara Woodhouse came on telly, was a big hit,

Training canines, and The Muppets set up shop;

Animal, the Swedish Chef, Fozzy and Kermit

And Miss Piggy, with her feared karate chop

So many were no strangers to misconduct,

Johnny Rotten’s TV swear words crossed a line;

Though Denis Healey was far less fierce than what he looked;

Harvey Smith gave show jump judges his infamous sign

Mark Spitz took not one gold medal, but seven,

Bjorn Borg won five straight singles, never done;

Some pedants opined this made for lessened leaven,

But there was a three times National winner in Red Rum

Big names for ‘The Professionals’, CIS and tight permed hair;

Shaw and Collins – Bodie and Doyle – two renowned pairs;

But – wait a minute – who’s the other one, don’t I know him,

him back there?

‘Mr ‘Udson’? How’s he escaped from ‘Upstairs Downstairs’?

Magicians of all kinds unleashed their tricks

From out the magic circle (closed), and where none go

Bar the likes of Tommy Cooper (plagued by glitch),

Paul Daniels, David Nixon, Ali Bongo

The local paper came through each letterbox every night,

Was delivered prompt, at around about five-ish gone:

On Saturday, ‘The Pink’, or ‘Green ‘Un’, and then the weekly fight

To find out first how your football team got on

Six million dollars was all the funds it took to rebuild

Steve Austin – cutting edge, world first bionics;

Which now would barely buy twin penthouse flats around Enfield;

No wonder some folk think life’s gone moronic

Annie Walker darted haughty, withering looks,

Eddie Yeats was on the bins; we were meant to wince

At Hilda Ogden’s iconic ‘muriel’, and her famous flying ducks;

And The Rovers had its leopard skin clad Bet Lynch

So very many verses, now just a single programme stands

Unmentioned, telling tales of suburban strife

Ditched in favour of a living earned entirely off the land,

Tom and Barbara Good, in ‘The Good (eco-friendly) Life’

That’s the final end to our jaunts back through the years,

Can’t think of any more themes to expand;

Though you’ll find football and chart versions too elsewhere

Sufficient I hope to satisfy all demand